This morning I went to a meeting for educators and organizations that work with kids.  We listened to a short presentation from a suicide prevention group.  Because my business is focused on helping others learn to honor themselves and others through understanding we are each born with a unique inner blueprint, I kept thinking about emotions as I listened.  I even mentioned this topic when people were asking questions.  I spoke of how we as adults need to not dismiss our own emotions and the emotions of others, especially the children we are around.  Far toooooo often I hear from clients and friends, “I shouldn’t feel this way” or something similar.  Or I hear parents tell their children when I am out and about to “Suck it up” or “You should be happy”, etc.  We minimize emotions, those natural feelings we all experience.  Children internalize, “I shouldn’t feel this way, it is wrong” and therefore learn that feelings that make them not feel good are bad to have.  

Our feelings matter and if to no one else, they should matter to us!  There are always going to be people that have it better and people that have it worse, but for that moment in time, your emotions are all that truly matter and the sooner you honor them, the sooner you can move through them.  

So the next time you’re feeling blue or pure joy, let yourself, give yourself permission to feel.  The next time your child gets their feelings hurt, tell them, “Wow, I can see that made you  feel sad (or mad or ___), I don’t blame you for feeling that way!”  The next time someone tells you about the stress in their life, listen, not to fix, but to let them share.  

This blog ended up being longer than normal, but I think you will like it.  It is a topic I have thought about for a long time, just finally putting it to words, which is why it is so much longer, lots going on in this head of mine.  Thanks for reading it.  Let me know what you think! 

What is a leader?  The general and simplistic definition is, “One who leads”.  Even a child can understand and tell you that definition.  Because I don’t see things simplistically, I ask myself, “Why is that person the leader and where are they leading people to and do the followers know those answers? Does the act of following automatically make that person a leader?  I feel I need to use parentheses when I use the term “leader” as I really question the true definition of what a “leader” is.  I see “leaders” daily.  I see them in schools as I watch my daughter walk in a line following her “leader”, the teacher.  I saw this when I was a high school teacher where there were teenage “leaders” who had their followers.  I see this in places of worship where the “leader” is the authority on what the followers are expected to believe.  I live in San Diego so we have military bases and as I drive on the highway, I see men and women out in the fields following their “leaders”, even following them into war, right into the line of fire.  I see “leaders” in businesses I go into or work.  see this on the news where “leaders” are telling their followers to hate those that are different and their followers obey.  I see this in my own house with my daughter.  I am socially expected to be the “leader”, she is socially expected to be the follower.  Am I training her well?  As my daughter grows, will she know who to follow or why she is following?  Will she see anyone who acts as a “leader” as a person to follow, no matter where she is being lead?  Society has placed the role of “leader” into a category of receiving “Expected Respect”.  But why?  Why am I expected to respect someone just because he or she has followers?  And why would I want to raise a child that blindly follows?  Guess what, I don’t!    

I have always been intrigued by “leaders” and followers.  When I thought for a few minutes about going on to get my Ph. D., I played with the idea of doing my dissertation on this very topic…doing a blog seems a much easier solution!  I have watched people “lead” and follow for years.  I noticed early on in life, just as I mentioned above, that there were many different kinds of “leaders” and people followed them for even more reasons.  I knew I was a “leader” throughout my life and that it had great power.  Thankfully in my Blueprint I “lead” gently and that has stayed in balance.  I also knew early that I was not a good follower…I ask too many questions and have witnessed that most “leaders” don’t like that quality in their followers.  In jobs I have had, the person who unfortunately was often in the role of the “leader” had that expectation of respect based solely on their role and “lead” in ways that I found it very challenging to have any level of respect for them.  When I became a “leader”, I did not expect respect, I knew I needed to earn it, and I did.  I respected that my followers were willing to follow me, and so I had them walk beside me by asking to step up to where I was.  I was never  comfortable with people being behind me, I know I never liked looking at the backsides of “leaders”, figured if I didn’t like it, others wouldn’t want to look at my backside!  Now, when I had to “lead”, I would.  I would step forward  and “lead” and then, I always ask my team to once again step forward so they were with me.  We walked the same path, had the same goal, we were a team and while I was their “leader”, very rarely did I have to step in front to lead.  We all saw where we were going and each knew they were capable to stepping to the front and leading if I needed them to.  This sure made my job a lot easier and a lot more fun, AND our goals were always met, and met together.

So to me, the definition of Leader is, “One who leads, when they need to, and empowers those around them to walk side by side, letting each person step forward at times so they can share their strengths and work through their challenges”.  You know that old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”?”  Well, what if you paid attention to when the horse was thirsty and you walked to the water together?  While you will still be holding the lead-line, you really are not having to lead with more than a slight adjustments in your steps, and once at the water, both you and the horse are satisfied and the goal is accomplished with equal effort.  

Being kind to yourself seems like it should be easy, yet it is a struggle for so many.  Majority of people walk around with that voice in their head, the voice that is not always very kind and for some, is a downright bully. Have you ever talked to someone (or noticed with yourself) and while you talk, they put her/himself down?  Or you give a compliment and they can’t accept it?  Have you ever gotten to the point where you don’t like talking to that person because they are so negative?  Or you stop giving compliments because they are never accepted?

So why can’t we accept kindness from ourselves (let alone others)?  Why when asked to say 5 nice things about oneself, many people can’t?  Or when asked direct questions, people squirm. “Are you smart?” so many can’t say, “Yes” because they feel it is not ok to see themselves as intelligent.  Or,  “Are you a good parent?”, they might say “Yes”, but it is followed with a “but …”.  No one is perfect, so when asked if you are a good parent, answering “yes” does not mean you are saying you are perfect, just that you try your damndest to be as good as you can at that time.

So what does kindness to self do?  In a nutshell, it makes you feel good in your own skin.  It lifts you up so when others might try to bring you down.  It brings a brightness to your energy and others will respond to it.  Being kind to self is the BEST medicine one can take in.  Looking in the mirror and telling yourself you are pretty…and not followed up with any negative qualifying statements, just, “I am pretty” (or handsome or smart or a great mom or great dad).  Looking in your eyes and saying, “I matter”.  It feels silly, odd, or even uncomfortable to look at yourself in the mirror as we are used to looking in a mirror to “fix” something, our hair, makeup, or shaving. But to look in a mirror just to take a moment or two to connect with yourself, to honor yourself for all the good, letting go of the negatives or things you want to change for just that brief time, feels unnatural. But with practice, it becomes a reflective time.  When out in the world doing your daily life of work, kids,  and running around, taking a moment to remind yourself to connect your mind, body, and spirit, to just stop and breathe, even if just for 30 seconds at a stoplight, helps to bring you into balance.  You remind yourself that you matter.
So is this easy when you have never done it, no, it is not, it is challenging and takes thought and practice.  But can you do it, YES!!!!  You not only can do it, you need to do it.  You will start to notice after a few weeks, you will be smiling more, you will feel physically better.  You will be emotionally more connected to yourself and those around you.  You will be living a much more positive life.

We teach kids to be kind to others, a beautiful lesson, but we forget about kindness to self. Children watch us, they do what they see, so kindness to others is essential, but showing kindness to self has even more value.

So, are you up for the challenge?  You don’t have to tell anyone you are doing it, it can be your secret with yourself.  Keep a journal if you like, track how you are doing, notice changes.

Kindness does matter, now, take the kindness challenge for the next 6 weeks and see how kindness to self changes your life!  

We walk through life, we see others pass by, we make a judgment, we keep walking. Every once in while we have the opportunity to stop and talk to someone and our judgements are confirmed or more often, we learn we are wrong and a new judgement is created. Typically these exchanges are brief, but long enough to confirm or deny our belief. But every once in a while, we are given a gift, a gift of time with another person and we learn their story.
Each of us has a story, it is our story, a story of pain, of joy, heartaches and love. We have failures and successes, highs and lows. Our story is unique and special and often, for many, not shared with many. When we are given the gift of listening, of having another person open up and share their story, our hearts opened to being slightly less judgmental when we look at the next person passing by.
I have been given the gift in my personal and professional life of hearing many stories, each one surprises me. I have learned that the old saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover” is very true when you apply it to people. I have met women and men that on the outside look so strong and secure. They have created a life of success and a life I look at and admire. But once they open up, they have come from a place of great pain and heartache. From homes that were not safe, from relationships that cut them to the core, and yet they decided to not be a victim, they are living as survivors. I have also met those that from the outside look like their lives are full and fulfilling, but once they shed that outer protective layer, I learned that they are scared, insecure, and sad. They keep the outside “looking pretty” to hide the ugliness they feel within. I have learned through both that I can’t assume from how “pretty and perfect” someone’s life appears, that their life is truly full.
I have also had the gift of meeting those that when judged from the outside only, one would assume they live an unfulfilled life and yet they are full, they are truly living. They don’t live with the “stuff” that others have, but they have found that “stuff” is just that, “stuff”, and no matter how much of it you have around you, it does not make your life richer. Typically it just complicates it.
So while it is human nature to judge, it is through work and understanding of yourself that you can be less judgmental and more open to the stories. I used to get angry if someone cut me off on the freeway, now I don’t. Sure, I get upset that this person is endangering my life and others, but I also feel sad for them. I think about why they are driving that way, what is it that they are missing that makes them want to drive so carelessly. When someone is in line at a store and they are agitated and annoyed with the wait, I think about how I wish they could just take the moments they are given with the wait and just be within themselves, and to not be scared to go there. I remember that they have a story and they may be in a great deal of emotional pain, so I try to engage them, maybe with, “Ahh, nice to just stop for a minute and relax” or mention something about the weather, or even just a smile. I have had countless experiences where I know that for a couple of minutes out of someone’s day, I have been able to distract them from their inner conflicts and possibly change their path for that day, because I remembered, “you have a story”!

I was doing some research for a client of Project Walk that had a bad experience with an airline employee. Through my research, I found the Air Carrier Access Act that is a Civil Rights Act through the Department of Transportation that was signed into law in 1986 with many previsions made since then. If you know of someone with a disability and if they ever travel by air, this is important for them to know about. Through my reading, I have learned that sadly, many airline employees are not trained on what the ACAA is, which is really disheartening.
Knowledge is power!

http://airconsumer.dot.gov/publications/disabled.htm

http://fastlane.dot.gov/2011/12/celebrating-25-years-of-the-air-carrier-access-act.html

When we are little, we are told to share.  We are a “good girl” or “good boy” when we shared, even when it is not by choice and we are left feeling defeated.  As a parent we want our kids to be giving, to share with others, to be seen as “sweet”, “good”, etc… How many times have you witnessed a parent/caretaker (or been the parent) who steps in when their child does not want to share their toy, take the toy away, tells the child they have to share, then stepped away when that child cries?  I have been on both sides.  How often do you share as an adult?  How would you feel if you were talking on your phone or working on your computer and someone came up, took it away and started to use it?  I don’t know about you, but I would not be too happy.  Yet we expect our little people in our lives who have not developed all those adult rational thinking skills we have to share freely.

So how does this forced sharing (and any other people pleasing acts) hurt us?  When we praise, we teach our kids to do “good things” for “good words”, not for doing “good things” because it is the “right thing” to do.  As kids grow that have been living off of praise, they look for peer recognition and for praise.  They do things to make friends happy, often doing things they really don’t feel right about, but they need that praise to feel “good enough”, to be that “good girl” or “good boy”.  As they grow into an adult, they continue to seek people that will feed them the praise that allows them to know they are “good”.  Always seeking extrinsic values.

Now, have you ever witnessed a parent/caregiver (or been the parent) that observed a child not wanting to share, the parent/caretaker steps in, asks the child playing if the child is done with the toy and if not, telling the other child that they will have to wait a little bit until the other is done and then redirects?  Or have you seen a parent/caregiver just let the children solve the problem on their own?  When a parent or caregiver uses words that model respectful language, one that allows a child to have autonomy, children look within for that intrinsic value.  As they grow up, they have peer relationships that are much healthier because this person looks within, they are not looking to please others just to get praise.  As they grow into adults, they seek relationships that are enriching, where they can be authentic, and where they feel valued for being who they are, not by what they do.

I want my daughter to grow up knowing that in the end, when she makes a choice, she is the one that has to deal with the outcome, good or bad.  I want her to understand that while being selfish is not respectful to herself or others, she does not have to share everything…especially herself as she grows up.  My hope is that she does well in life not to please me, but to please herself.  My wish for her is to be able to do well and say, “I am proud of myself”, not, “I made my mom proud”, because THAT is a given and she will know it!

The old saying, “Kids should be seen, not heard” is just that, OLD!  This statement makes my head spin, and saddens me.  Why should kids not be heard?  They have so many beautiful and insightful things to say, and are really funny.  I love listening to my daughter just talk about the random thoughts that come into her 7 year old head.  I love that she thinks “outside of the box”, without the constraints of society.  Why would I want to put a stop to that?  What message would that send to her if I did?

When we allow kids to have a voice, they learn so much.  They learn how to problem solve verbally, they learn to stand up for themselves, they learn to use words to get a message across, they learn that words have power and how to use them so that they keep their dignity and respect and that they do the same for others.

I let my daughter have her emotions, I let her feel, I then ask her to give her emotions words (I don’t say that, I just ask her to tell me about why she is, sad, angry, irritated, etc).  Sometimes she will tell me, “I don’t know why I am upset” and that is okay.  Other times, after she is calm, she can articulate what the issue was.  She knows that her words have power and she knows that when she can share her feelings, she feels better.  NOW, there are times when I am having my own emotions and I don’t honor hers like I should, but when I stop, I realize I am not honoring my own.  Funny how what works with kiddos works with us!

So allow your kids to express themselves.  Allow yourself to express yourself to them.  When we speak and listen with sincerity, people of all ages feel it.  Kids are learning, they are absorbing, they are watching us, much more closely then we want to believe.  Let them be heard AND seen.  Let them voice their thoughts, they have some great ones.  And adults, remember, sometimes we just need to shut our mouth and be seen, and not heard!  Let it be their turn!

I was born to help people, it is my passion.  As an adult, I spent time exploring “What do I want to really do and who the heck am I?”  I enjoyed and learned from my time in management positions, working with kids in the private and non-profit worlds, and also my time as a classroom teacher.  I always felt like I needed to own my own business and I knew I wanted my work to be in the “helping” field and so I began Create Hope First after completing graduate school in 2011.

Shortly after completing graduate school in 2011, I was introduced to Chinese Face Reading and found that through face reading and looking at the energy of when someone was born, I knew I the perfect blend of skills to bring to clients and I could help them the way I had always envisioned.  I love that I can help people get back onto their path they were meant to walk without them having to spend countless hours and countless dollars searching.  No matter if a client feels that one session is enough to bring them a greater understanding of their true path or if they want to continue with mentoring sessions to work on creating true balance, I am thrilled and feel full.  To witness someone re-discovering their blueprint is powerful and I am immensely thankful to be a part of the process.

At the end of the day however, my greatest joy and inspiration is my daughter. She continually reminds me to live as authentically as I can and to walk the path I was born to walk and I am excited to watch her walk down hers.

My education:
BS in Criminal Justice
Single/Multi. CA Teaching Credentials
MA in Teaching
MA in Counseling Psychology
Certified Parent Educator
Certified Community Mediator
Certified Special Education Advocate

Kids REALLY do come with an instruction manual, but no one tells us! If you are a parent, you have wondered why you have to fill out a lengthy form to adopt a dog or cat, but to raise a child, they don’t even ask for a permanent address.  Isn’t raising a child a bit more demanding and for a much longer period of time then owning a pet?  So we now have this child, what do we do next? For the rest of our lives we worry about if we are “screwing them up” as we attempt to raise them into contributing members of society.

Then one day, after all the struggles and the nights of feeling like the worst parent in the world, we learn that there IS an instructional manual and while it won’t solve all the problems and make life perfect, this information will help you in every aspect of parenting, taking much of the guess work out of it.  And as an added bonus, this information will help your child grow into who they were born to be.

Your child’s personal blueprint IS the instructions manual and it not long nor complicated.  While it will be complex, it will be understandable.  By understanding your blueprint and the blueprint of your child, you see why you face the challenges you do and you learn to work through them using each person’s strengths.  How beautiful is to honor the way you and your child work through the challenges in life and the ways you use your strengths?

So many personalities, so little time!

* You are running a business, the last thing you have time for is personality “issues” due to lack of understanding.
* You have worked hard to build your team to help make your business succeed, so you want only the best out of them.
* In a 2 – 4 hour fun and non-invasive training I could show you and your team through understanding who each person is at a Nature or Blueprint level, most issues are eliminated and each person feels honored for who they are, meaning time and energy is put towards the work at hand, equalling greater business success for you.

Through fun and interactive methods, I help you and your team explore the 5 starting points of how life is approached.  Each person determines their starting points - the core way of how they live and work. This first step is affirming for most people as there is a realization that it is “ok to be me” as we are typically starting from a natural or blueprint level so different is good!  We explore how each of these 5 starting points function and how each approaches all aspects of life differently, focusing on work.  We see how each brings great value to the work that is being done, and how the value they bring must be recognized and appreciated for their full self to come out in a balanced way.  “Issues” in a business usually come from values not being recognized due to it not being seen and or understood.  There is an emphasis on how each of the 5 starting points can work together when there is a common goal of respecting each person as unique.  It is seen and felt when someone’s nature or blueprint is valued, the work to be done has a new energy which brings you tangible results.

You have an intimate relationship with each employee, honor yourself and them by understanding the real person behind the name and job title.

Please see “Services” for more information or go to “Contact Me” so we can talk about setting up a training and getting your team working together is new and productive ways.